Tuesday, September 27, 2011

No, Really, Not

So…before a rumor begins, I’m not switching over to writing male/male. I am still planning to write male/female romances. Lots of them. I just happen to have three male/male that fell together in my schedule—two for one publisher and one for another. Aside from those, sorry, there is at least one vagina in every book.

Did I shock you there (vagina, vagina, vagina)? Some people just get shocked by the word. That always surprises me. It’s rather clinical. It’s also a rather icky word. Seriously who said, “And we’ll call it…a vagina!” And the word-a-ticians applauded the brilliance of finding one of the most awful words on the planet for the girly part.

You know, it’s no wonder we find all kinds of euphemisms for it. We whip out the penis all over the place, but for the woman-junk there are all kinds of flowery and not so flowery terms that get slapped into place just so we can avoid the dreaded V word.

Purple prose was invented to swathe the girly part in bleeding plum-colored ink, hiding the true ugliness behind the moon grotto of passion. Only men are allowed to visit the moon grotto by the way, so ladies, back away. No lush gardens of pleasure for you. Because…I hate to break it to you, but your cats need to be draped in pretty words too.

Did you realize how sexist our language is?

And please…who first decided to call the penis a staff? Staff? Is it long enough to assist in walking? Or a pillar. Even at a very generous 9-10 inches, that is not a pillar. Perhaps an outgrowth like a budding stalagmite, but not a pillar.

But still…going back to the original word battle… Vagina vs Penis. Penis is a clear wiener in this cock fight. He struts around while the Vagina goes off to write monologues of angst. After all, she has all the abysmal words… VaJayJay (really????). Pussy (truly misguided). The “C” word (trying to keep it PG-13). Mound…

Mound? Like it’s a sacred burial place? Okay, fine. Yes, it is sacred burial grounds.

Recently, I heard it called Cat. As in: Just because you lost your virginity doesn't mean you can go around throwing your ' cat' at everyone. That was in Easy A. I have to say, I was amused. Finally, a good word. And you know what? The cat takes the cock in any fight. Hands down. (But let’s not get started on what the hands are doing)

Go forth and have fun with your hands and stuff... ;-)


Bronwyn Green said...

This right here --> The cat takes the cock in any fight. is going to make me smile all day long.

Marie said...

LOL, Will be laughing all day over this

CLK said...

You have totally just unannoyed me...I'll be smirking about this one for the rest of the day (my husband is going to think I lost it, but the jokes on him, I never had it to begin with!)

Stephanie Michels, author said...

Brynn, your mind never ceases to amaze me. Yes, I like the line about the cat takes the cock, but my favorite is your comment about the "mound" being a sacred burial place!

Gonna be laughing all day!