Friday, March 26, 2010

Open Letter

(Warning to my readers: this note might get ugly.)

Dear Mr. Ego,

I can’t tell you how unequivocally thrilled I am that you don’t call your books “romance”. Frankly, I’m almost offended that you call them fiction because that puts them a little too close to what I write. Oh but wait. I write “love stories”—you know…those things you claim to write. You do not. You show us all your butterfly exhibit then rip off the wings.

Is there a point? Is there some sad reason you feel you need to inject the world with such sorrow? Does it make you happy somehow? What a tragedy. But you like that so I guess that’s cool.

And can I say, how kind you are to do Hollywood a favor and write both screenplays and novels. Oh my gosh! How benevolent of you! I’m guessing money has nothing to do with it. At all. I’m so thrilled as well that you’ve helped me to save boatloads of money on movies, theatre snacks, and DVDs.

I’m not even going to address your audacity at comparing yourself to the Greek greats, Jane Austen and Hemingway. The ego speaks for itself. So does your claim that no one else can do what you do. Perhaps—oh I'm going out on a limb—no one else wants to. Hmm...

And perhaps, Mr. Sparks—oops, did I use your name? My bad—you should consider changing up your formula before someone figures out you’re just writing the same book over and over. Seriously, the tragedies that keep showing up at the endings are a dead giveaway.

And before you start disparaging romances again, you might want to consider that we have over 50% of the market share and that’s helping you. I’m sure you don’t mind. So don’t kick that sand at us too hard. We might throw a little back.



Mia Watts said...

OMG!!! I think I love you!! And this is the BEST. LINE. EVER to describe his work: You show us all your butterfly exhibit then rip off the wings.

The first page of that bottle book (won't give the title, don't give a fig) I was overwhelmed by the maudlin ego-train of thought going on. Had NO sympathy or interest in the characters. In general, he sucks. Like big and hard. I know this is blogger and subject to laws now, but since this is MY OPINION on the subject, may I just add that I will never waste the money on such drivel as The Ego's.

Jezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzus, Nick. Get over yourself you bigassed fraud.

Bronwyn Green said...

Brilliant letter, Brynn! How I wish this would actually make it in front of The Ego. Though, even if it did, I sincerely doubt it would make an impact - after all, an ego that big has to be pretty impervious to reality.

Genella deGrey said...

He isn't man enough to be a Romance Novelist.

A real man would have to be really comfortable with himself (and his sexuality) to do so.

I double-dog-dare him to try it.


Stephanie Michels said...

Greek poets? Jane Austin? Hemingway?

Good Lord, I suspect if I looked up the word "egomaniac" in the visual dictionary, the man's picture would pop up.

Love stories? No. Greek poet? No. But he does write Greek tragedies...repetitively. That's why I don't buy his books...and his ego is why I WON'T buy his books/

Ashley Ladd said...

How did I know who you meant before I even read his name? GMTA!

I've not enjoyed his movies and so am not sure if I want to see his new movie.