Monday, November 12, 2007

The Condom Show

Recently, China had a fashion show which featured clothing made entirely of condoms of all sizes and colours. This was put on as part of the countries Reproductive Health Expo in an effort to promote the use of condoms to fight against AIDS/HIV. All I can say is “Good effort. You’re wearing them wrong. And by the way… why are the women in the condoms?”
Ah yes, here we have the spectacular mini dress, perfect for a night out on the town with your randy man.

And now, we have these... um, what are they Fred? Pantaloons? Perfect for wearing beneath your naughty Little House on the Prairie dress.

For a more traditional look, we have this dress complete with a lovely flower design and fan. The fan may come in handy because it can't be particularly cool beneath all that latex.

And now the icing on the cake. The perfect wedding dress and the bride is well prepared for the wedding night too.

And now another feature from the Camouflaged Hearts anthology. Today's author is SL Major with her story Double Time. Here's the blurb:

Well, it is for a good cause, Micah Collins tells herself. Queen and Country and all that, even if her suggestion is a bit over the top…

Micah offers big money for the local military fundraiser if she can purchase the services of two of England's finest soldiers.

And who could be better than devilishly handsome captain Trent Williams and sexy-as-sin captain Clayton Blackwell to help her get rid of the pesky problem of her virginity? Since it's just for the weekend, Clayton and Trent, mates since university, agree to the unknown woman's odd request, not realizing they'll all get a lot more than they bargained for…


“Absolutely not.” Captain Trent Williams’s fingers formed a death-grip around the pint of beer on the table in front of him. Jaynie, his younger sister’s best friend, could beg and cajole all night long. But he wasn’t budging. “I am not fucking a woman I’ve never met. No matter how long I’ve been in the desert.” Or how horny he was. He had morals and scruples to go along with his hard dick.

“It’s only for two days,” Jaynie shouted above the noise.

Clayton, his mate since university, hid his laugh by taking a deep swig from the amber liquid in his mug. What the hell was a best friend for, anyway, if not to laugh his ass off when his mate was faced with female disaster?

It was no accident that she’d invited him and Clayton to a public place that served up loud, throbbing music, cocktail waitresses in short, short skirts, and lots and lots of beer. Get him liquored up, that would be Jaynie’s plan, and then move in for the kill.

She batted her baby blues hopefully. “Please, Trent? It’s for a good cause. Promise.”

“It’s always for a good cause. Last time it was posing for a calendar with a puppy.”

“And we raised a mint for the dog shelter.”

Unfortunately for her and this week’s charity, he was wiser than he’d been last time he was home. And he’d made sure not to drink more than a pint.

“Sorry, love. You’ll have to find some other bloke.”


“I beg your pardon?”

“Blokes.” She repeated. “The lady in question specifically requested you…” Jaynie had the good grace to flush with embarrassment before glancing at the table. “And Clayton.”

Trent looked at his comrade.

“Wait. Both of us?” Clayton asked.

“She doesn’t just want me? She wants…?” Trent trailed off, snapping his mouth shut. Jaynie was a harebrained mastermind, but this? She might as well have dropped an IED in the middle of the room.

“Yes. And she’s willing to pay for it. Uh, for you. Willing to pay for both of you. Handsomely, I might add.” She smiled sunnily, her embarrassment apparently forgotten. “Did I mention it’s for a good cause?”

“Jesus, Jaynie,” Clayton said. Beer sloshed over the rim of his glass. “Trent’s right. You’re out of your mind.”

“Not so funny now, is it, mate?”

“What kind of woman pays for sex with a stranger?” Clayton asked.

“Not a stranger,” she corrected. “Two of them. Actually, you both have quite the reputation in town, so it’s not as if you’re an unknown. Actually, I wish I’d thought of it myself. I’d have bought you in a heartbeat.”

Clayton choked on a drink of beer. Trent smacked him on the back.

“It was the calendar,” Jaynie said, going on as if neither had spoken. “Mr. July.” She nodded to Trent. “Hot enough to sizzle for summer. And Mr. December.” She grinned at Clayton. “Cool as ice. In fact…” She reached into her handbag and pulled out a cheque book. She uncapped a ballpoint pen, then started to scrawl her signature on the bottom line.

Trent’s blood heated to a slow boil. “We are not sleeping with you, Jaynie.”


“Or the mystery woman,” he added.

She pouted. “Ten thousand pounds.”

“Ten thousand…” Clayton trailed off.

“And it’s all or nothing. She gets both of you, or she wants neither. Think about it.” She dropped her pen and curled her hand around Trent’s wrist. “No one will ever know.”

“Not like the damn calendar,” Clayton grumbled.

“Ten thousand quid to benefit John MacDougal’s family.”

“Fuck.” John MacDougal’s family. He’d served in the Middle East with John. Fine man. Fine soldier. With three-year-old twins. Fuck. Trent took a long drink from his beer. “That’s low, Jaynie, even for you.”

“I didn’t make the offer,” she said, softly. The teasing was gone. Nothing but the weight of a fallen comrade shrouded the table. Even the music seemed to recede.

They all knew John and Susan. Jaynie had gone to school with the couple. He and Clayton knew John from the Army. Trent remembered that the man had carried a picture of the twin girls and his wife in his pocket, tucked inside a small Bible. Fuck.

“What does she want us to do?”

At Clayton’s question, Trent raised a brow.

“She’s willing to send a car for you on Friday, around tea time. You’ll be returned on Sunday, most likely in the afternoon, if that suits you. You could probably negotiate a longer stay if needed.” She smiled sweetly, innocently. She was neither, Trent knew.

“That wasn’t my question,” Clayton said.

“Oh, the usual, I suppose.” She waved a hand dismissively. “Whatever it is that two men do when they get a sexy woman in bed.”

“Sexy?” Clayton asked.

Trent shouldn’t have clapped Clayton on the back. He should have boxed the man’s ears. The idea was preposterous. Outrageous.

“Sexy,” Jaynie repeated.

“So why is she paying for a fuck?” Trent asked.

“You’re being crude, Captain.”

“Answer Clayton’s question, Jaynie.”

“I didn’t ask. I took the money and ran.”

Very carefully, he enunciated each word. “You took the money?”

“Oh. Uhm. Well…”

He let her dangle from the noose of her own words.

“I knew you wouldn’t say no, not when you knew it was for Susan and the wee babies.” This time, she appealed to Clayton. Smart woman. “You like don’t have to touch each other. Just her. I think.”

“What the hell?” Trent demanded.

She ignored him and continued to look at Clayton. “You could even take turns. One of you in her bedroom at a time. Wear a condom if you want.”

“Jaynie,” Trent warned.

“Ten thousand quid,” she said again. “Not for you, for the MacDougals.”

“Susan needs it,” Clayton reminded Trent. “And we always said we’d do what we needed to in order to help out.”

He looked from Clayton to Jaynie, and then back again. They had both lost their collective minds. The calendar was beginning to look as if it had been one of her better ideas.

“She’s John’s widow, Clayton.” Jaynie stroked the back of Clayton’s hand and ignored Trent. “No commitments or obligations. You’ll be making the generous donor happy as well as helping Susan and the children.”

Trent brought his fist down on the table. All three beer mugs jumped. “Forget it.”

“I’m in,” Clayton said.

Trent blinked. “You’re what?”“It’s for a good cause, mate. Queen and country and all that.”


Jennifer Armintrout said...

Call me crazy, but some of those dresses were cute.

But yeah, women dressed in condoms is like men dressed in birth control pills. It just doesn't make sense.

Bronwyn's Blog said...

I'm calling Jen crazy...

I thought the toilet paper wedding dresses were the most astonishing thing I'd ever seen.

I was so very, very wrong.

Dakota Rebel said...

I would absolutely wear a wedding dress made of condoms! That is awesome. And I agree with Jennifer, quite a few of those are cute. Perfect for a formal party.

Very nice.

Amarinda Jones said...

I love the pantaloons...what a hoot!

Kelly Kirch said...

Ooh, Jennifer, I'd love to see that!

Those, dear Brynn, were the new legwarmers. They're for that guy who can't seem to quit humping your leg while you dance. As to the wedding dress, um, can we say "wishful thinking"? Or are those party favors for the guests? Everyone takes on on the way out leaving the bride naked but for the few danglers she needs that night. Hmm. Not a bad plan all told.