Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Excuse me? A what?

It’s called all the usual things: penis, cock, erection, manhood, rod, shaft, dick, eh-hmm…member. But I’ve found some truly noteworthy and creative phrases over the years. It seems authors have been desperate not to use the aforementioned, so here’s my throbbing list of turgid euphemisms for the male member. I should note, that I absolutely did not make these up. They’re from real, published books.

Pillar of Marble (Well, I guess this is cheaper than a glass dildo.)
Lethal Weapon in his pants (Does he have an STD???)
Jade Stalk (Does he have gangrene?)
His meat or Man Meat (I hear it’s good sautéed with onions. Tastes like chicken. Really.)
Thorn of Lust (Ow…I hear if you really care, you should remove the thorns.)
Shaft of Creation (Yeah, I have nothing to say about this one.)
Erect Passion (Closely related to Pole of Passion.)
Organ (Calling it this is always sooooo romantic.)
His third arm Or His third leg (Does it have little fingers or toes?)
Raging beast of his desire (Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Love Tool (What kind of batteries does it take? Does it come in sparkly colours?)
Tumescent Tube of Fire (Sounds like it might erupt at any moment)
Dragon of his desire (Makes me think of a good M/M novel…Sir George and the Dragon)
The Bald Avenger (Geez… I WISH I was making these up…)
Manroot (A Bertrice Small special)
Promise of Future Delight (Is there a refund if there’s a breach of promise?)
Love Muscle (Lifting its own weight, 37 times a day)
Purple Tulip (Ummmmm……)
Velvet Steel (Is this a new alloy or something?)
His sex was like a throbbing toothache (Now, I don’t know about you, but this isn’t good…)
His Tree of Life (See staff of creation…)
Weapon of flesh (I will defend you Fair Moon Grotto)
Column of Flesh (Bronwyn Green pointed out that this would be a great Dungeons and Dragons monster. “You turn the corner and Oh No! It’s a Column of Flesh! I’m rolling for stats…”)

Gosh, I think I need to go have a stiff drink.

Children: I can’t talk about my children after that list!!!!
Loads of laundry: 2
Words Written: 0


Bronwyn's Blog said...

Oh, sweet mother of God. Best. List. Ever.

I was having a hard time seeing after the "Promise of Future Delights" because I was laughing so hard I was crying. A lot.

So...when my gaming geek hubbby gets home, I'm going to ask him what kind of dexterity bonus the Column of Flesh gets in an encounter...yikes!

Carol Lynne said...

What? Are you saying we're not supposed to be using these terms? Damn. Okay, although I've always been rather fond of the spitting sea serpent. I guess I'll have to just use the old boring ones. Question, can these still ooze, spit, and drip?

Carol Lynne said...

Hey, sorry about spelling. You know my mind was on other things, right?

Molly Daniels said...

I like Spinal Tap's..."I'm gonna sink her with my Pink Torpedo..." and Love Gun...

Great list! And love your comments!

Molly Daniels said...

Not to one-up you or anything, Brynne...but I ended up doing 11 loads yesterday...we had to fumigate for some nasty critters!

Caley Greene said...

I'm still laughing. Love the list Brynn!

Brynn Paulin said...

OK Carol. I gotta add that one to my list. I've been lambasted for ooze... but I happen to kinda like it.

Brynn Paulin said...

Bron, my hubby chortled over the D&D reference. LOL.

Brynn Paulin said...

Molly~~Pink Torpedo? You don't say??? Wow. And wow to your 11 loads. I bow in homage.

Smut Girl said...

Oh. My. God. I laughed so hard my knee started to bleed again. Don't ask. And who mentioned Spinal Tap? The pink torpedo came to mind for me, too. ;)

I'm still marveling over the purple tulip one...scratching my head...and...uh...does someone want to explain that to me?

Molly Daniels said...

I love that movie, and even froze my ass off when 'Tap' came to the then-Deer Creek Free Fair (now renamed Verizon Center)...it was only 38 degrees that night in mid-July!

Molly Daniels said...

They also referred to it as a 'silo'...

And speaking of which, mom mentioned the DVD is full of swearing...I've not watched myDVD yet...maybe I should go check it out! We watched the VHS several times, and it's clean.

Smut Girl said...

hunh. we just watched the DVD. don't remember much swearing. the best line obvioulsy is..."this one goes to eleven..."

Might have to go watch it again...lol

Molly Daniels said...

Went to a Bach Choral concert Fri night, and I asked Dad, "Is it 'Mock Bach'?" He, of course, had no idea what I was talking about...Mom just laughed:)

And speaking of the Bach...Brynne, another one is Love Pump. I'm trying to remember the rest of the words to 'Big Bottoms' and 'Sex Farm Woman'...

Brynn Paulin said...

There was the guy who called it his anaconda. Hmmmmm....

Molly Daniels said...

'Armadillos in our trousers'!

barbara huffert said...

The whole list is better than Earl as one I once knew was dubbed.

LynTaylor said...

LOL! My hubby calls it the 'Purple Headed Warrior' LOL! So there's one for your list ;)

sterlingwriter said...

Man meat. Mmmm. Penis. The other white meat.

Kelly Kirch said...

LOL! OH MY GOSH that was hysterical. You missed one from Jean Auel "Purple headed warrior" freakin' crazy! My husband and I have this as an inside joke now. Now I have even more ammo.Thanks for the laugh!

Kelly Kirch said...

Just read the comments. but now I know what lyn's hubby has been reading!

I've heard one about a turtle. Something like his turtle head. I'm thinking he's not a "big" guy if all you're seeing is the head. Maybe the same theory behind the tulip??

Brynn Paulin said...

Turtle head!!! That is NOT a pretty picture. Yikes!